[log1c]

OK, little bit of history. Please exucse me ahead of time, it might be a little long. I've been with my girlfriend for 2.5 years now. We started talking about moving out together. I got a new "big kid" job that will be paying very well, imho. We are both 22 years old. She still lives at home with her dad. Well, I get this cryptic message via my girlfriend that her Dad wants to talk to me on Friday. So, I shoot him an email this afternoon saying that I am committed for lunch time, but maybe if he wants to get Starbucks in the afternoon, I'm cool with that. Well, then I receive this email, which he conveniently CCd to my GF and her mom:


There are some issues I definitely want to get resolved. I really want us
to get together on FRI, and I would like to have enough time to discuss them
thoroughly, as this is not something I want to drag out.

I'm rather irritated at the moment, and want to level set what our family's
expectations are. All of a sudden, everything seems to be revolving around
---- and James moving in together, and I am really close to exploding about
all this. That would not be pretty for any of us, least of all for your
relationship with ----.

We would prefer that you have our blessings as a couple, and that we all are
comfortable in the progression of your relationship with our daughter; but
if you two choose not to consider our feelings, I want to make sure all of
us understand the consequences of your actions. Some decisions are
irrevocable...


We really want to support the both of you as your relationship grows - you
are a loved member of our family, and both ---- and I consider you a son -
but we are very close to a major, major blowup. And I personally am NOT
happy... This can be easy, or it can be hard... and we WILL be the parents
we're expected to be...
Forewarned is forearmed...


I mean, Double T Eff. WTF. I feel threatened. I feel like for the past 2.5 years I've been a plague on his family, like I'm unworthy to even be talking to him or his daughter. Is he saying that if he's not satisfied after Friday's talk that everything is over? That essentially he believes that our relationship is in his hands?

He essentially controls every aspect of what we do: what days we can go out, until what time, etc. He is this way with everything in the house. We manage just fine, but I mean, it sucks. On numerous occasions we've had to change plans or cancel them all together. And trust me, it is NOT like we're going out every weekend, or even every MONTH. Planning a night out is like planning a trip to Washington DC or something. I am COMPLETELY courteous, and I only bitch to myself and to my girlfriend. I've always been an upstanding gentlement with him and his family, and in all honesty

This guys is twice divorced, had 2 daughters in his first marriage and basically had nothing to do with them growing up. IDK maybe that has something to do with it??? I've very nervous right now, I feel threatened and belittled. I lost sleep over this last night as well.

I need advice on this situation. Jesus, I need to talk to someone about this. omg I'm an adult wtf! /rant

[czechrboard tassia]

have you talked to your gf yet? this is definitely ridiculous.

[Eps]

Let him speak his mind. But let him know that YOU have expectations for his place in your relationship and that he must respect that.

[Drakkon]

wow just wow....that sounds like a threat if id ever heard one.

^agree with the above. Meet with him but in a PUBLIC place, if possible with the GF there. Tell him you have expectations of him and they werent for him to act like some psyco dad, if hes got a problem with you he has to just accept it or dissapoint his daughter. She is an adult and can make decisions for herself...cant she? if shes going to listen to psyco dad then I'd run...run as far away as possible...

[ivwshane]

I would first give him the respect he is asking for and talk to him. I'd probably be threatened too if my little girl was leaving.

If you show him respect then it's only natural that you should ask for the same respect in turn. If he cannot do that, then you know he doesn't care about you and really doesn't think of you as a "son".


You are young and believe it or not you don't know how the world works or how relationships work (some people never learn and he might be one of them), so he might be genuinely concerned and you should take his advice as friendly advice and not take it as a threat.


When you talk to him tell him what your plans are and what you think the future will hold for you and his daughter.

No matter what, you are an adult now and should be treated as such but you should also treat other adults in the same manner.

[Undertaker989]

explain to him that you and his daughter are both adults and that you two will be supporting yourselves and in the long run, that is the bottom line. Tell him that maybe he could tell her to "ease off" of her obsession about the move (if there is one..that is what this "everything revolves around" crap is coming from) if that is bothering him.

In the end....he is not going to be the parent b/c he won't have any ownership or financial support of either of you. So, that being said, he could kiss both of your asses.

[smirnoff]

I don't think you need to worry about what your going to say to him. It sounds like you have good intentions and so I'm recommending you just be honest. Don't waste your time thinking about what he's going to ask you or tell you, unless you've got something to hide I don't think there could be anything he could ask you that you can't handle.

To me it sounds like you're really the one in control of the situation, and he's just worried about not seeing his daughter as much as he'd like. That's how it works with kids though, so it's not for you to worry about.

I've been in a similar relationship situation. Hard ass dad, I go out of my way to be every bit the gentlemen as I know how, and all the while getting the impression that I'm not liked and/or not worthy. It seemed like they saw my politeness and respect as a cover for bad intentions, which wasn't the case. I didn't last more than a year in that one, and now I know better. But it's all for not because anyone I date now isn't likely to still be living with their parents. Okay that's not true the last girl was, boy did that bring back some shitty memories. :/

I won't say good luck, cause I don't think you'll need it. =]

[Scooby]

Well i recently found out my girlfriends mom has been calling me a piece of shit even though ive been nothing but courteous to bother of her parents.

I know the feeling.

Ive had talks with her dad, but at this point theres nothing else I can do. I guess her mom flew off the handle the other day because she saw me in the grocery store and I didnt say hi. I saw her and she didnt look at me and just took off down an aisle. It was ridiculous.

So anyways, im pretty much the example where no matter what you do, it doesnt matter, you wont be good enough.
Apparently her mom demanded that from now on I approach each of them and say "Good evening Mrs. ----, Mr. -----, how are you this evening?"


After a year of dating her, I have to act like im going on the first date in 1920 to her parents. So after I found out she had been calling me a piece of shit I decided im never setting foot in thier house again.

Sorry i had to bitch in your thread but thats been bothering me.

But, I'll just echo what everyone else said. Youre about to conquer his last line of defense with his daughter. If she moves out with you she wont be his anymore. I can understand where he's coming from. But just dont let him talk down to you.
Good luck

[BrentN]

I second tassias comment on this, fucking rediculous.

You should feel threatened becuase thats what that email was, a threat. He is threatening to make things difficult for you and your girl if you do not talk to him. The fact that he also points out that he is ready to 'explode' means that he has something that he is holding back.. a regret, who the fuck knows. You are obviously 'interfearing' with his plans, and I do mean plans becuase he has a particular 'vision' of what his daughter is to do in the future and you are doing something that is stopping it.
Is she going to school? Cause if she is, most likely, this could be it. Parents get real freaky when a guy fucks with their daughters carreer, becuase a bad relationship can end an excellent education.

I think what the problem with this dueche bag is that he is not looking at what his daughter wants and only looking at what he wants. His daughter is no longer 'his' she is an adult. As an adult she can do what she pleases with her life and he needs to support her decisions. I dunno, it sounds like he's planning to ruin your reputation if you don't do as he asks, at least thats the vibe that I got from the email.

Before anything, I think that you need to just sit down with him and find out what he wants. Only at that point can you determin if he's crazy and talk to your girlfriend about a course of action.

Good luck.

[BrentN]

re-reading your post, he is crazy lol. It sounds like he's using his daughter as a tool for his own means, whatever that is.

I would still talk to him tho. Be calm and cool and be sure to bring confidence with you. Look him in the eyes the whole time that he layes it all out about what he wants. Do not shift your attention to anything else but his face, and listen to him precisely. It will be clear to him that your not fucking around, and that your serious about this whole thing, lol, hopefully you'll strike some fear into him
It sounds like he does not support his daughters decision to move out at all, and that he will want you to wait it out for like another couple years or some bullshit like that.

Just be sure that if you have to cut the parent lifeline that she wants to as well 100% and that you can help her out without her familys assets to back her up anymore.


Big decisions are coming your way my man.. once again good luck and keep us updated im curious to know exactly what he wants.

[tweakmonkey]

There are only a few ways this can go. He'll either be cool or he'll go psycho. If he's cool, no worries. If he goes psycho he'll either scare you or his daughter away from the situation. Most likely, considering your girlfriend's age, he'll just thoroughly piss her off into moving in with you, even if she's not ready.

Give the guy some respect ... you are in a position to take his baby away and he's simply worried. On the other hand, no matter what happens, just handle it like a man. He can't stop his daughter from seeing you, right? The power's in your hands, so just rellllllaaxxxxx and let him try his best.

PS If he shoots you, I take back what I wrote.

[Scrubbin_Bubbles]

I had a girlfriend who was the same way, only I was 19, and she was 22, her dad wouldnt let her do shit unless he approved, and set the times etc. We spoke many times but it did no good, as he already had his mind made up about the whole thing. I am seeing the same thing above, he too already has his mind made up, and is just meeting you to make you think he has good intentions.

[NoseMaster]

but
if you two choose not to consider our feelings, I want to make sure all of
us understand the consequences of your actions

He sounds like a fucking suicide bomber. She's 22 for christsakes. I'd say just go there and nod and smile, then afterwards do whatever you want regarding moving out.

[MSP]

I have no idea what I would do in this situation. What does your girlfriend think? At 22 I wouldn't have asked anyone's permission to move in with their daughter. Looks like the formula is as follows: control freak + daddy's girl = you're screwed.

EDIT: At age 22 he is WAY overstepping what is appropriate parental behavior. I'd ask the girl to handle it, it's between the two of them really.

[SoulAssassin]

Forewarned is forearmed...

LOLLOLO

Bring a gun or a knife at least...save this email also because this is communication of someone who just isn't right in the head. Nobody threatens someone they call a son and a loved family member.

Tell him this: you're not his son but if his daughter would like to move in with you then so be it. Don't come off as a dick initially unless it gets to that point

[mistawiskas]

The facts are that the man has major issues as a parent and a man. One, he's a major control freak; two, he can't let go of his daughter and accept the fact that she's an adult now; three, sounds like he's a passive/agressive personality; four, out of touch with reality ei: "We really want to support the both of you as your relationship grows - you
are a loved member of our family, and both ---- and I consider you a son -
but we are very close to a major, major blowup. And I personally am NOT
happy... This can be easy, or it can be hard... and we WILL be the parents
we're expected to be... " WTF is this shit about?
five,he's friggin' selfish as hell, and six.....did I mention he's a major control freak?

All you can do is talk to your G/F as already mentioned, then go into the conversation with her parents
with an open mind....no expectations. Hear the guy out, be respectful. This really doesn't sound like it's going to be a two-way discussion, it sounds like it's an opportunity for him to lay down the law and a last ditch effort for him to control your relationship with his daughter. It's not going to be about anything you've done to piss them off, sounds like you've been the model S/O for their daughter. What it's all about is he is loosing control and he hates it.....it's just that simple. IMHO: your G/F needs to get out of there, no matter what. For her own good, as long as she's there, he's going to keep her under his thumb and in a state of arrested developement as a woman and adult, just for the sake of his selfish need to control.

[czechrboard tassia]

on a side note, im so glad my parents love tremblay.

[log1c]

guys, I appreciate all of your comments.

Sad thing is, I've known all this though. I've known he is a controlling man who is really out of step with his daughter's wishes and desires. I HAVE always respected him, never done anything he really didn't want. I don't like my GF talking with him about important issues because it is never a discussion - it is 1 way only. My GF is not exactly a "Daddy's Girl", but I mean, we BOTH want to have her family's emotional support and good blessings. I think one of the things that he might feel threatened about is that I have NEVER asked him for anything. I got good grades because of my own ability, I landed a great job without having to ask him to put me on his payroll. We don't need his financial support, we'll be just fine, but it's not about that.

I got an apartment without asking him his advice. I'm going to be completely independent at 22 (last semester at college, so I live at home right now and mom pays the car insurance, that's about it) and I know that frustrates him. I know he feels threatened by the fact that we have saved almost $9000 in cash. I certainly don't come off as a "know it all" - just that I merely understand solid financial planning and am responsible.


My GF and I talked about moving in, but then he exploded at her when she tried to talk to her. So, we called it off, respect of him. She is still in University BECAUSE of him, she had 2 years at my university and then he made her withdraw, wait a year, and START OVER at a different University. Granted, it was a private University that cost $20k a year, he is not hurting for cash. I think they make over $300k a year.

Damn, I went to sleep last night hoping I'd feel better now in the morning. I don't, and it sucks. I want to write an email back to him, but I can't just say "I got the message", or "OK, see you Friday". I mean, wtf, how do I respond to that e-mail?? Should I be more straight-forward, call him tonight and say something?? I'm not TRYING to delay anything, I told him I was already committed for lunch on Friday with an organization at school for a Faculty BBQ.

I've even spoken with my Advisor at school, and she has told me similar things. I'm not trying to "steal" her away from him, but damn sometimes I do!!!

/cry

[MSP]

My advice? Simply respond that you respect his wishes but it's an issue between him and his adult daughter and they need to work it out. Say you don't want to get in the middle of their relationship or this particular family matter. That will put the heat off of you, and will make you look like the bigger man. If you try to hit him head on it will put a strain on your relationship that could last for years.

[log1c]

well, I just responded with this:

Mr. ----,
Of course I want to talk with you and have the chance to hear what is on each other's minds and each other's expectations. I do not, however, consider this a "battle" of any sorts for which I need to be forearmed. I hope you know that I am an honest person, and I'm looking forward to an honest dialouge, not a show down of any sorts. I wish I could impress upon you the amount of respect that I try to show for your family on a daily basis. Would you prefer to have lunch? I can forego the burgers and meet you somewhere after 1:00.

James