Life stuff

Chris · 09-20-2001, 10:41 AM

wtf??

Chris · 12-28-2006, 08:26 PM

Wow, I've never felt the need to pour out my emotions this much, but this seems like the place to do it.

The day after Christmas, my girlfriend of 8 months broke up with me. I took it very hard, because as most of you know I deal with severe depression. But then I realized that my depression is what lead to the breakup. My girlfriend drained her energy getting me to try and do the right things, and I can see that now. But as some of you know, with depression, the littlest things can be such a huge strain.

Right now we're treating this as a "break", and she's giving me the time I need to better myself. I've contacted and setup appointments with a new therapist, as well as a psychiatrist, and even made amends with family members and told them I need their love and support, but it's still hard.

Has anyone else dealt with clinical depression, and if so has it affected your relationship(s). This is so hard and if my huge-hearted, loving girlfriend is going to be there for me after I better myself (for the right reasons of course), I want to do it right. I'm getting help because I want help, and I'm ready to help myself.

~~BrentN~~ · 12-28-2006, 08:40 PM

Chemical in-balances in the brain usually are the cause of chronic depression, medication is usually the solution. Sometimes it can fuck you up good, so be carefull. If your constantly dealing with depression, then I would suggest asking the doctor for some kind of medication, just make sure that its covered under your benefits.

Your girlfriend of 8 months dumped you huh? well don't feel too bad, we've all been there including myself. I'm not trying to be harsh, but it sounds like she was just fed up and I wouldn't count on her coming back, they rarely ever do...

I think the best thing for you is the councelling, and possible try some kind of medication. councelling can only do so much by itself..
Other than that get in touch with your friends and family, if they're for real they'll be there for you, listen to your bitching and whining for the next 2 weeks and make you feel a whole lot better

Talking is good shit in times like this, but at the same time you should show them some support in return. In the end you'll get over this, things will turn around and by this time next year you'll be seeing someone else, you'll be even happier becuase you know how to handle the situation and your family and friends will be there for you.

My problems are usually doused with drugs and alchohol and friends, the first two are a terrible mix, but when I'm with the bro's all the bullshit dissapates.

Chris · 12-28-2006, 08:44 PM

I'm confident in my relationship with her. I told her that this isn't where our story ends, maybe this is where our relationship finally unfolds, and I have the utmost faith in that. She says she still loves me very much, and if the heart says it's so, then I really can't not have faith in that.

I am on medication. Lexapro 10mg a day. It did help with making me a little happier and more alert, but my energy and motivation were still shot. Hopefully this is something that will get ironed out with the new psychiatrist and therapist. Maybe an up in dosage or even something new. But at the same time I don't want to rely on medication to solve my problems, because I don't think that's healthy.

But yeah, this is a tough time for me and I haven't been able to hang up the phone, or stop typing on the keyboard, because there's so much I want to say and talk about. It's just hard.

mistawiskas · 12-28-2006, 08:44 PM

You do seem aware that there is a need for you to really want help for you, and that if done for her or any other reason, you'd be not so well to treat.
I suffer from chronic recuring major depression, have had it for as long as I can remember. The right combination of meds coupled with a few years of therapy gave me the break i needed to unlearn alot of behaviors and sabotages that made my life unbearable. I still have depression, but at least i'm not homicidal and selfm destructive anymore.
PS: it took 25 different attempts at finding a combination of medications that worked for me and 6 years to arive at a truely beneficial combination. Some find what works and others take longer. it pays to deal with a physician that is familiar with all possible combinations and one that is willing to rigorously monitor your progress. Otherwise, as Brent said, the meds can fuck you up. Everyone's chemistry is different so there is not going to be a one-pill-fixes-all solution.

Chris · 12-28-2006, 08:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mistawiskas

You do seem aware that there is a need for you to really want help for you, and that if done for her or any other reason, you'd be not so well to treat.
I suffer from chronic recuring major depression, have had it for as long as I can remember. The right combination of meds coupled with a few years of therapy gave me the break i needed to unlearn alot of behaviors and sabotages that made my life unbearable. I still have depression, but at least i'm not homicidal and selfm destructive anymore.

That's great, you seem to be a hard worker and have a good head on your shoulders. That's all I want.

She did express concern that after the breakup, I'm only doing these things for HER so i can be with her, and that's just not true. You really don't realize how precious something is to you until it's gone, and I think this is the kick in the ass I needed. I've realized I can't co-exist with someone else with this illness.

~~BrentN~~ · 12-28-2006, 09:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chris

That's great, you seem to be a hard worker and have a good head on your shoulders. That's all I want.

She did express concern that after the breakup, I'm only doing these things for HER so i can be with her, and that's just not true. You really don't realize how precious something is to you until it's gone, and I think this is the kick in the ass I needed. I've realized I can't co-exist with someone else with this illness.

Chris, ask yourself this question.

If she told you that she was never ever going to be with you again, would you be doing what you are doing now to try and get better?

It was only until she told you that she was dumping you that you decided to take action, I think thats proof enough for me that you're doing this mostly for her.

Until the day comes when you havent spoken a word to her in 4 months and have had some help with the therapists and you have changed, then I will believe that you did it for yourself.

Seriously, with girls, once they make up their mind they usually stick with it. For some reason, they can always pass of a relationship and never come back, no matter how in love. They are hurt, yes, but they hurt way less then most guys IMO when you are deeply in love with them.

If she really wanted to be with you, then she would be at your side right now while you are going through this change, and she would tell you that if this doesn't work then she is leaving. But instead she's dumping you, and leaving you with the problems becuase she doesn't want to deal with you anymore. Its a harsh reality, buts its the way it is. She may love you but I really doubt that she'll be there for you after everything changes, she's sick and tired of you, plain and simple, just peace it out for good.

In the end, when everything has passed and you've become "a better man" she'll be the one knocking if she's still interested. Leave it alone.

mistawiskas · 12-28-2006, 09:03 PM

It all takes time, lots and lots of time. For me, around 11 years. It all had to get to the point I was willing to do whatever it took to not have to live that way again......and I did loose the girl, in fact, in that 11 years I lost quite a few girls. It wasn't even resonable to expect any chick to stick around for that period of transition.

Chris · 12-28-2006, 09:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BrentN

Chris, ask yourself this question.

If she told you that she was never ever going to be with you again, would you be doing what you are doing now to try and get better?

It was only until she told you that she was dumping you that you decided to take action, I think thats proof enough for me that you're doing this mostly for her.

Until the day comes when you havent spoken a word to her in 4 months and have had some help with the therapists and you have changed, then I will believe that you did it for yourself.

Seriously, with girls, once they make up their mind they usually stick with it. For some reason, they can always pass of a relationship and never come back, no matter how in love. They are hurt, yes, but they hurt way less then most guys IMO when you are deeply in love with them.

If she really wanted to be with you, then she would be at your side right now while you are going through this change, and she would tell you that if this doesn't work then she is leaving. But instead she's dumping you, and leaving you with the problems becuase she doesn't want to deal with you anymore. Its a harsh reality, buts its the way it is. She may love you but I really doubt that she'll be there for you after everything changes, she's sick and tired of you, plain and simple, just peace it out for good.

In the end, when everything has passed and you've become "a better man" she'll be the one knocking if she's still interested. Leave it alone.

It does seem like I'm doing this only for her, but I've told myself, and close people to me including my Mom, that I don't want to hurt her and I think I need a break to better myself before something like this happened. But I love her too much to say I needed a break.

She's still a great support, we're still very very close and I just saw her this evening. She's expressed frustration with my depression in the past, so this isn't something that came out of nowhere. But the most important thing to note is that she's still there for me through this, but she just can't deal with the day to day energy draining I took from her, and I believe that.

She doesn't expect to get back to a 100% different me, and she's said that. But she wants me to get the help I need and be a positive and productive person, and I think that's fair. She isn't just some summer fling or high school romance, we have deep feelings for each other, and I know that.

Quote:

If she told you that she was never ever going to be with you again, would you be doing what you are doing now to try and get better?

Absolutely 100% yes. Like I said, I realized I can't co-exist with someone in a relationship with this depression. But at the same time I can't even exist with myself with this depression anymore, and I WANT the help.

My friends are very proud of me that I've stepped up and asked for their support, and most of them know that I've just hit rock bottom and the understand that.

mistawiskas · 12-28-2006, 09:21 PM

Look at it like this: She was worth investing the time it took to get as close as you did with her. By the same token, you are worth investing the time it's going to take to get better, with or without her. I hope you can find
the way I found. It's simple, but not easy.

WoodButcher · 12-28-2006, 09:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chris

this seems like the place to do it.

This forum, if your comfortable can be helpful, but it should be only one of many tools you use to better your situation. Doctors, meds, freinds and family, use them all in moderation and don't depend on any one person or tool.

Quote:

I'm getting help because I want help, and I'm ready to help myself.

That's the only way. Sorry to hear about your gf, but your best to cut her loose, focus on yourself for a while and allow yourself time. Your young and there are lots of girls out there.

A close freind of mine was diagnosed with depression many years ago, long before it was popular and has survived almost 50 winters. might not make this one though, he's working with me! Back on topic this guy is also obsessive/ compulsive as well, If you can imagine a deck on your house say 16" x 32", every screw in a straight line with each other, and the cross of the phillips all oriented in the same direction,,,, That's the guy I want to build my house!!!!
I guess the point I'm trying to make is this, You can use this to your advantage, who knows? If in the process of learning about your own situation you might find pshycobabbling is your calling, get a couch and charge $200 an hour to listen and advise,,,

Chris · 12-28-2006, 09:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mistawiskas

Look at it like this: She was worth investing the time it took to get as close as you did with her. By the same token, you are worth investing the time it's going to take to get better, with or without her. I hope you can find
the way I found. It's simple, but not easy.

I think the hardest part is over, and that's WANTING and needing help. It'll be tough to talk about things with a therapist, but I have no REAL demons or skeletons in the closet, really. Most of my depression is a chemical imbalance and just lack of motivation, no real particular reason. Who knows really.

The funny thing is, I used to look at threads like this and judge people or just say they're emo, and with some that may be the case, but I know in my case the love is true, and I just can't let go of that. That would just be another failure on my part. I know I'm young and there's plenty of girls out there, but what if I'm one of the lucky ones that has already found the person I want to be with? I'll give it time, I won't obsess, but all I keep telling myself is that if the love is true as we've both admitted even after the breakup, we'll meet up again.

I'll update this thread regularly with my progress, if anyone cares.

SoulAssassin · 12-28-2006, 09:41 PM

I'm sure we all care (or at least most of us). Nobody wants to see someone become depressed and just idle there. I helped my ex get out of being depressed but then she dumped me...guess that's not saying much for me, but the important thing is that you're getting help. The hardest part of change or starting something new is just the start. Once you get past that you'll be fine.

Most people just let the problem fester instead of getting help so I hope you get whatever it is you need!

Chris · 12-28-2006, 09:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SoulAssassin

Most people just let the problem fester instead of getting help so I hope you get whatever it is you need!

Bingo. I really just let the problem linger for too long and tried to make my girlfriend happy, while I myself was just miserable. I have good intentions and a big heart, and put others before myself, but I realize I need some time for myself.

Thanks for the words SA.

~~BrentN~~ · 12-28-2006, 10:26 PM

It does seem like I'm doing this only for her, but I've told myself, and close people to me including my Mom, that I don't want to hurt her and I think I need a break to better myself before something like this happened. But I love her too much to say I needed a break.

Chris, that last sentence is more proof of what I'm talking about. If she loved you just as much, don't you think that she would have also not have had a break? Sometimes knowing how much someone cares for you is to find out if they will do the same that you will do for them, in your case she ditched you when the going got real rough. She may love you like I said, but not nearly as much as you loved her, honestly chris, do yourself a favor and cut all ties and concentrate on just your friends and family for the next little while. If she wants to patch shit up down the road, she will call you and see how you are doing. Until then, calling her and letting her know how you are doing isn't going to do shit.

Just trying to open up your mind to the reality of this situation, I don't want to see another post from you half a year from now about how you've changed, and now she doesn't want anything to do with you, cause thats most likely what will happen.
Better to hurt now than to hurt even more later.

Chris · 12-29-2006, 12:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BrentN

It does seem like I'm doing this only for her, but I've told myself, and close people to me including my Mom, that I don't want to hurt her and I think I need a break to better myself before something like this happened. But I love her too much to say I needed a break.

Chris, that last sentence is more proof of what I'm talking about. If she loved you just as much, don't you think that she would have also not have had a break? Sometimes knowing how much someone cares for you is to find out if they will do the same that you will do for them, in your case she ditched you when the going got real rough. She may love you like I said, but not nearly as much as you loved her, honestly chris, do yourself a favor and cut all ties and concentrate on just your friends and family for the next little while. If she wants to patch shit up down the road, she will call you and see how you are doing. Until then, calling her and letting her know how you are doing isn't going to do shit.

Just trying to open up your mind to the reality of this situation, I don't want to see another post from you half a year from now about how you've changed, and now she doesn't want anything to do with you, cause thats most likely what will happen.
Better to hurt now than to hurt even more later.

You need to understand though, she did NOT ditch me. She is still by my side through all of this, I just know I drained too much out of her for a real relationship to work. We're both being mature and handling this the best way we can.

I'm not initiating all of the contact with her right now. She's calling me just as much. I'm not going to tell her to shut up and not call me. She's an important part of my life, and thus an important part of my recovery of this depression.

I don't know, I could very well be wrong, but this feels right for both of us and we're going with the flow for now. I'm not obsessing and calling her every 5 minutes. I'm going with the flow, im doing what feels right. If that's wrong, then it'll be a learning experience in time for sure.

~~BrentN~~ · 12-29-2006, 12:45 AM

It says so in your second sentence of your first post that she broke up with you.

If you call a "break" not breaking up, you are sadly mistaken. A break is the same, its just a nicer way of putting it, it also means that you are both allowed to see other people.

mistawiskas · 12-29-2006, 05:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chris

I think the hardest part is over, and that's WANTING and needing help. It'll be tough to talk about things with a therapist, but I have no REAL demons or skeletons in the closet, really. Most of my depression is a chemical imbalance and just lack of motivation, no real particular reason. Who knows really.

Don't fool yourself. Discovery/acknoledgement is not the toughest part, it is simply the first step. the toughest part is not getting distracted and involved in a loss of priorities that will keep you from recovery. if you think that simply correcting the chemical imbalance is all that's needed, you'll be short changing yourself from recieving the best parts of recovery and never completely heal. As a result of living with untreated depression, our minds develop thought processes and as a result we develope behaviors that
acually perpetuate the dissease and sabotage our healing proccesses. "Getting better" is a proccess, not an event! By recognising the problem you have mearly taken a first step on a stellar walk from here to the moon. The only way to get to your destination is to learn to crawl before you try to walk. Then learn to walk before you attempt to run. Having a 'love' in your life can be a good thing or a bad thing, depends on how will that person is to actually get involved enough to find out how to help you and be of real support. I wish you well my friend, you are about to embark upon a journey that has an elusive destination.

Scrubbin_Bubbles · 12-29-2006, 05:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chris

Has anyone else dealt with clinical depression, and if so has it affected your relationship(s). This is so hard and if my huge-hearted, loving girlfriend is going to be there for me after I better myself (for the right reasons of course), I want to do it right. I'm getting help because I want help, and I'm ready to help myself.

Man, I have my good days and bad days. Sometimes I'm afraid to leave the house. I don't get depressed I just get very nervous. The two glands in the back of my head get tender and I get all tense. I get Tension headaches like you don't know, and all my muscles get tight and I want to keep cracking my neck and move it around.

I haven't had a girlfriend in almost a year, because I feel me not wanting to do anything puts a bigger strain on them, then it does on me, and after a while you just run out of excuses.

Anxiety is a fucking bitch, constant fear of dying, and fear something is wrong with you. It's no fun at all.

Best of luck man.

mistawiskas · 12-29-2006, 06:02 AM

Hang in there Scrubbins. Anxiety disorder is, for some, coupled with clinical depression. The meds I was taking until I lost my medical insurace helped a great deal. When I had to ommit the meds from my daily living, all the anxiety
came back and all I've learned had to be initiated to keep life bearable. With anxiety, it's so friggin' easy to loose sight of what's really important in life....the big picture. Not many people know what it's like to have the type of fear that defys discription or reasons. You are not alone.
Same goes for real depression. The misnomor that depression is simply a "blue mood" is rampant, and that all leads to the isolation factor. i see alot of commercials recently that sort of address the public percep

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09-20-2001, 10:41 AM	permanent link to #1
Chris Raptor Jesus Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: New Jersey Posts: 3,687 (#17 ) My photos: 6 Thanked 1x in one post	wtf?? Last edited by Chris; 09-20-2001 at 10:43 AM..

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12-28-2006, 08:44 PM	permanent link to #4
Chris Raptor Jesus Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: New Jersey Posts: 3,687 (#17 ) My photos: 6 Thanked 1x in one post	I'm confident in my relationship with her. I told her that this isn't where our story ends, maybe this is where our relationship finally unfolds, and I have the utmost faith in that. She says she still loves me very much, and if the heart says it's so, then I really can't not have faith in that. I am on medication. Lexapro 10mg a day. It did help with making me a little happier and more alert, but my energy and motivation were still shot. Hopefully this is something that will get ironed out with the new psychiatrist and therapist. Maybe an up in dosage or even something new. But at the same time I don't want to rely on medication to solve my problems, because I don't think that's healthy. But yeah, this is a tough time for me and I haven't been able to hang up the phone, or stop typing on the keyboard, because there's so much I want to say and talk about. It's just hard. Last edited by Chris; 12-28-2006 at 08:48 PM..

12-28-2006, 08:44 PM	permanent link to #5
mistawiskas outside the box! Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Grants Pass, Oregon Posts: 14,992 (#2 ) My photos: 358 Thanked 9x in 9 posts	You do seem aware that there is a need for you to really want help for you, and that if done for her or any other reason, you'd be not so well to treat. I suffer from chronic recuring major depression, have had it for as long as I can remember. The right combination of meds coupled with a few years of therapy gave me the break i needed to unlearn alot of behaviors and sabotages that made my life unbearable. I still have depression, but at least i'm not homicidal and selfm destructive anymore. PS: it took 25 different attempts at finding a combination of medications that worked for me and 6 years to arive at a truely beneficial combination. Some find what works and others take longer. it pays to deal with a physician that is familiar with all possible combinations and one that is willing to rigorously monitor your progress. Otherwise, as Brent said, the meds can fuck you up. Everyone's chemistry is different so there is not going to be a one-pill-fixes-all solution. Last edited by mistawiskas; 12-28-2006 at 08:50 PM..
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12-28-2006, 08:26 PM	permanent link to #2
Chris Raptor Jesus Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: New Jersey Posts: 3,687 (#17 ) My photos: 6 Thanked 1x in one post	Wow, I've never felt the need to pour out my emotions this much, but this seems like the place to do it. The day after Christmas, my girlfriend of 8 months broke up with me. I took it very hard, because as most of you know I deal with severe depression. But then I realized that my depression is what lead to the breakup. My girlfriend drained her energy getting me to try and do the right things, and I can see that now. But as some of you know, with depression, the littlest things can be such a huge strain. Right now we're treating this as a "break", and she's giving me the time I need to better myself. I've contacted and setup appointments with a new therapist, as well as a psychiatrist, and even made amends with family members and told them I need their love and support, but it's still hard. Has anyone else dealt with clinical depression, and if so has it affected your relationship(s). This is so hard and if my huge-hearted, loving girlfriend is going to be there for me after I better myself (for the right reasons of course), I want to do it right. I'm getting help because I want help, and I'm ready to help myself.

12-28-2006, 08:40 PM	permanent link to #3
~~BrentN~~ Party? Where? Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Calgary Alberta Posts: 2,331 (#41 ) My photos: 3 Thanked 0x in 0 posts	Chemical in-balances in the brain usually are the cause of chronic depression, medication is usually the solution. Sometimes it can fuck you up good, so be carefull. If your constantly dealing with depression, then I would suggest asking the doctor for some kind of medication, just make sure that its covered under your benefits. Your girlfriend of 8 months dumped you huh? well don't feel too bad, we've all been there including myself. I'm not trying to be harsh, but it sounds like she was just fed up and I wouldn't count on her coming back, they rarely ever do... I think the best thing for you is the councelling, and possible try some kind of medication. councelling can only do so much by itself.. Other than that get in touch with your friends and family, if they're for real they'll be there for you, listen to your bitching and whining for the next 2 weeks and make you feel a whole lot better Talking is good shit in times like this, but at the same time you should show them some support in return. In the end you'll get over this, things will turn around and by this time next year you'll be seeing someone else, you'll be even happier becuase you know how to handle the situation and your family and friends will be there for you. My problems are usually doused with drugs and alchohol and friends, the first two are a terrible mix, but when I'm with the bro's all the bullshit dissapates.

12-28-2006, 09:03 PM	permanent link to #8
mistawiskas outside the box! Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Grants Pass, Oregon Posts: 14,992 (#2 ) My photos: 358 Thanked 9x in 9 posts	It all takes time, lots and lots of time. For me, around 11 years. It all had to get to the point I was willing to do whatever it took to not have to live that way again......and I did loose the girl, in fact, in that 11 years I lost quite a few girls. It wasn't even resonable to expect any chick to stick around for that period of transition.
	Say goodbye to our beloved planet. Because there is alot more money to be made in emitting greenhouse gasses, than curtailing emissions. Get out of the box, then recycle it.

12-28-2006, 09:21 PM	permanent link to #10
mistawiskas outside the box! Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Grants Pass, Oregon Posts: 14,992 (#2 ) My photos: 358 Thanked 9x in 9 posts	Look at it like this: She was worth investing the time it took to get as close as you did with her. By the same token, you are worth investing the time it's going to take to get better, with or without her. I hope you can find the way I found. It's simple, but not easy.
	Say goodbye to our beloved planet. Because there is alot more money to be made in emitting greenhouse gasses, than curtailing emissions. Get out of the box, then recycle it.

12-28-2006, 09:41 PM	permanent link to #13
SoulAssassin Vagina Friendly Mayor Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Cincinnati, OH Posts: 3,425 (#25 ) My photos: 15 Thanked 1x in one post	I'm sure we all care (or at least most of us). Nobody wants to see someone become depressed and just idle there. I helped my ex get out of being depressed but then she dumped me...guess that's not saying much for me, but the important thing is that you're getting help. The hardest part of change or starting something new is just the start. Once you get past that you'll be fine. Most people just let the problem fester instead of getting help so I hope you get whatever it is you need!

12-28-2006, 10:26 PM	permanent link to #15
~~BrentN~~ Party? Where? Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Calgary Alberta Posts: 2,331 (#41 ) My photos: 3 Thanked 0x in 0 posts	It does seem like I'm doing this only for her, but I've told myself, and close people to me including my Mom, that I don't want to hurt her and I think I need a break to better myself before something like this happened. But I love her too much to say I needed a break. Chris, that last sentence is more proof of what I'm talking about. If she loved you just as much, don't you think that she would have also not have had a break? Sometimes knowing how much someone cares for you is to find out if they will do the same that you will do for them, in your case she ditched you when the going got real rough. She may love you like I said, but not nearly as much as you loved her, honestly chris, do yourself a favor and cut all ties and concentrate on just your friends and family for the next little while. If she wants to patch shit up down the road, she will call you and see how you are doing. Until then, calling her and letting her know how you are doing isn't going to do shit. Just trying to open up your mind to the reality of this situation, I don't want to see another post from you half a year from now about how you've changed, and now she doesn't want anything to do with you, cause thats most likely what will happen. Better to hurt now than to hurt even more later.

12-29-2006, 12:45 AM	permanent link to #17
~~BrentN~~ Party? Where? Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Calgary Alberta Posts: 2,331 (#41 ) My photos: 3 Thanked 0x in 0 posts	It says so in your second sentence of your first post that she broke up with you. If you call a "break" not breaking up, you are sadly mistaken. A break is the same, its just a nicer way of putting it, it also means that you are both allowed to see other people.

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